It’s Cloudy Over Here Sis…
Hey Sis, have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you were forgotten about?
Maybe you felt like you have sacrificed so much for work, a project or a relationship only to feel like in the end you were left with an unfair deal. So much so that you start to doubt the promises that God made to you because you don’t see them coming your way? Maybe you feel like you have done what you were supposed to and it is unfair that the one time that you think that you deserve something BIG that God has been promising you and you don’t get it, that it will not happen. I can honestly say that while I am writing this, that is exactly how I am feeling. I feel like God is making me wait. I feel like he is making me and my family wait. I also feel like it is unfair and to be honest, I am really in my feelings. Like for real y’all! I am sad, disappointed, lost, confused and hurt. All at the same dang time. The emotion is sooo raw and I feel soo vulnerable. I feel like there is no clear direction at this moment in my life. It is an uneasy feeling. It is a feeling of uncertainty and I don’t like being here.
As I talked to my BIG brother (my personal and professional Godly mentor, a safe space) about this, he reassured me that it was okay for me to feel this way. He also reminded that it is okay to let God know how I feel in any way that I needed to. Some examples were crying, fussing, and questioning the moment(s). As I listened to him, I thought to myself, Bro…I have already done those things. In my mind, it didn’t matter what I did, I still felt alone, unsure and left in the dark. It was and still is hard for me to see His perfect plan. It was cloudy where I stood even though outside where I was while I was on the phone, the sun was shining bright. We continued to talk, and I was able to see the good in where I was at the moment and the impact I have had where I am. We also discussed how our journey that we walk is never truly about us and never really has been. We discussed how our journey is for others. Things that I already know but sometimes I personally have to be reminded. Why? Because sometimes I get in my own way. I try to make plans for God when really, he makes the plans for us. (Jeremiah 29;11, For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future). Sometimes I overthink or underthink (I am not sure if that is a real word) what is going on in my life. That is where the real confusion and frustration sets in and I end up down a rabbit hole like Alice in Alice in Wonderland.
After we finished our conversation and I was left with some deliverables, I ended the night with no clear direction. Yesterday, I still felt broken down and emotionally raw. Something that is hard for me to deal with as I am a very private person when it comes to my emotions. The day was a blur. From the time I walked into the office, I was pulled in so many different directions that I didn’t get to sit down at my desk until 45 minutes after I arrived. I ended up having a conversation with one of my “safe spaces” who listened to me in my emotionally raw and vulnerable state. She watched me cry, listened to me talk, gave me a hug and she was just there. My “safe space” has things going on in her life herself but she took the time out of her extremely busy day to just be there. During our talk she said, “Even though we think we are, we are never alone”. She had no idea that I felt alone in the things that we talked about, somethings I did not share with her for the sake of time BUT there was God, using someone to speak to me about how I was feeling. There was God reminding me that even though I felt that way, that was not the case. As we wrapped up our conversation, I received a text from one of my favorite people who is also a part of my village. She sent me a screenshot of her daily devotion. It was titled, “Leave the Outcome to Me”. The first sentence was follow me where I lead, without worrying how it will all turnout. I was amazed, in such a short time God had shown me that he was still walking with me. If nothing else, it was reassuring that He still has me even though at this moment I feel like it is still cloudy over here. My outlook isn’t clear, and I am unsure of when the sun will come out and brighten my view. There are life decisions and things that I feel need answers to based on what God has promised me and right now even a few days later I still feel lost.
However, I do know one thing, I won’t be here forever. I have to remember that everything that happens in my life is a part of God’s plan for me or me and my family. It is His way of protecting us and making sure that we are within his perfect will. I also have to remember that anything that happens or does not happen is not about us personally. It is for the people that we will meet along the journey that God has designed for us. Although I may feel lost and alone, I am not (Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”). The forecast is a little cloudy and some days I may even run into some thick fog, but God is with me every step of the way. Even as I type this, I am reminded that I am human and will have my moments of uncertainty. I know I am not alone but some days it will feel that way and it is okay. However, the key is to trust God and he will be the light that will help us get to our destination (Proverbs 3:5-6, Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight).
Today, know that you are not alone Sis and never will be. Put your complete trust in God. He will definitely show up at the right time.